We are having some major issues here in the Office for Science & Society. The issue? Ants. That’s right. Those itsy bitsy teeny weeny insects that somehow make their way through every nook, cranny, and crevice. And for some reason, it is stirring much debate. Why? Well, the ants seem to be welcome guests to Dr. Joe. He’s even had the audacity to pull out the “they’re not going to hurt you; they’re cute!” comments. Cute? No, no, Dr. Joe. These little creatures are not cute. Having to squish a wandering critter away from my keyboard every two minutes is not what I call okay. Swishing around the coffee in my mug after treating myself to a nice Nespresso here in the office is not my idea of enjoyment. And even you, yourself, must not have enjoyed the ant that so diligently made its’ way into the hole in your rye bread. Ď㽶ĘÓƵ’s Office for Science & Society is starting to look like a casting call for “A Bug’s Life.” And I don’t like it one bit. While I have yet to fully comprehend how Dr. Joe’s accidental ingestion of our colleague - (to clarify: I have begun referring to the ants as “colleagues” since they too spend about the same amount of time that I do here in the office) - simply resorted to a satisfied “it’s only protein” remark, my contempt of these little insects is perhaps somewhat (okay, some might say grossly) uncalled for. These ants might be annoying but it seems to be that is all they are. Annoying. Dangerous? No. Toxic? Far from. Not welcome in my blackberries? Bingo.
So I’m looking for a solution, because even Dr. Joe, while he may have an affinity for these itsy bitsy critters, also (albeit saddened) admits that it is time. Solution? I’m not sure. I want to use ant traps. But are those even safe? What “chemicals” are secreted from those nasty petri dish things? I start to watch the “how to make organic ant traps” video on YouTube. Dr. Joe walks by and rolls his eyes, assuring me there are no “toxins” emitted from any type of ant trap. Good. Because I really wasn’t into the idea of using all my cinnamon (who knew it was an ant deterrent?), as a means to rid our office of this issue. Then there’s the exterminator, but with McGill watching its budget I feel it better to resort to other ideas. I call an office meeting as to how best we should go about this issue. And in no time at all, a solution is brought up. It is perhaps the most obvious of them all and yet for some reason, (I know exactly the reason), I had chosen to overlook it as a viable solution. “Clean” and “tidy”; two words that I don’t really enjoy. But apparently, this is the easiest way to rid ourselves of this issue and our unwanted colleagues. Eat, clean, put away. Drink, wash, back on the shelf. It’s as simple as that. No traps, no exterminator, just a simple transfer of laws from the kitchen to right here. So can we conquer these ants? First off, I’ll have to get Dr. Joe to stop naming each of the ones I squish. Then we’ll be on our way. But I can assure you, one way or another, they'll be gone. But if you’ll please excuse me, I’m getting antsy. I’ve got a coffee mug to wash.
